Teddy (pt. 1)

I'm realizing that there's something very near and dear to me that I've never discussed on this blog. Something happened to me back in late 2020 and lasting through the end of 2021 that, after discovering my Spirit Companion and coming out to myself as transgender and starting transition, had the biggest effect on my life. 

A goodly portion of my adult life living as a man was spent desperately struggling to shoehorn myself into a sufficient semblance of heteronormativity to be perceived as a heterosexual male. Not always 100% successfully, I was often mis-oriented as a gay man. I knew I didn't fit the mold particularly well though, I was too sensitive, too soft, too emotional, too disinterested in most typical male pursuits and activities. 

I have always been profoundly attracted to women (or, perhaps more precisely, femme presentation) and always much preferred the company of women, and enjoyed it when I was included in typically feminine activities (e.g. shopping). I did not at all find them the "chore" that most cishet men seem to, nor did I balk at doing things (e.g. carrying my companion's purse while they tried on clothes) that are anathema to many cishet men. I often thought of myself as a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

When I was in my 20s and 30s (the 1980s and 90s), I was fairly active in SciFi/Fantasy fandom in and around New Orleans, I attended club meetings and conventions and participated in tabletop roleplaying games (e.g. Dungeons&Dragons) regularly. I had quite a few friends and more acquaintances. 

One of these acquaintances was a guy by the name of Ted Keller. I met him originally through his brother Nick with whom I attended high school. If memory serves, Nick introduced me to Ted at a convention and we seemed to get along well. I didn't spend all that much time around him though. we tended to travel in different (though overlapping) social circles.

Ted was a maverick and iconoclast who rubbed a lot of people the wrong way, he hosted parties at the conventions with the explicit goal that "everyone got laid". The group I spent most of my time with didn't jibe well with his sybaritic hijinks and tended to avoid the activities he hosted; nonetheless, I definitely liked him and he seemed to like me to.

We didn't spend a lot of time together, mostly (at least at first) encountering each other at conventions. He evidently thought well enough of me to invite me to some parties at his house. we also played D&D together a few times. 

As the 90s progressed, I drifted away somewhat from fannish activities, focusing more on getting my professional career started. I finally left New Orleans in 1997. At that point I hadn't seen nor spoken to Ted in several years. 

All this is by way of providing some context for what was to come. 

By 2010 I'd lived in several places around the country and had relocated to Chattanooga, Tennessee with my then live in partner Priscilla. Priscilla and I had a sometimes rocky relationship, consisting mostly of her asserting her preferences and me acquiescing. In 20/20 hindsight I can see that she was sometimes very emotionally abusive towards me, a fact that several friends had noted to me over the years but I kept it up with her even as I isolated myself further from many former relationships. 

By 2012 I'd started counseling with a therapist I found in Chattanooga, Kitty, that I resonated with very strongly. Over the next few years she helped me navigate job changes, dealing with Priscilla,  and discovering my Spirit Partner Penelope. Then, some time in 2016, she guided me through finally coming out to myself as transgender. 

When I came out to Priscilla a couple of months after, she was having none of it. I tried to put myself back in the closet for the sake of the relationship, but that is not a genii that can easily be put back in its bottle. 

I slowly managed to set things up to relocate (without Priscilla) to North Carolina for a new job, and  a new home with Stacey, a woman I'd made (platonic) friends with on line. In April of 2018, I pulled the trigger and moved myself to Chapel Hill, started work and started setting up housekeeping with Stacey.

After a couple of months in NC, I felt the impulse and found the courage to start actually transitioning. I've detailed some of that process elsewhere on the blog. It went remarkably smoothly to where, by late October of 2018, I was living full time as Stef.

I'd come out to my friends, who were all very accepting and supportive. This included my long time best friend Avery, his wife Karen, his sister Laurie, and her husband (also a long time friend) Anthony.

This remained the basic situation when in December of 2020 I received a Facebook friend request from Ted. He'd kept up communication with Anthony, and had recently been speaking with him when my name came up in the conversation. I'd told my friends they were free to share what was going on with me with any appropriate interested parties, and so Anthony told Ted about me and Ted sought me out. 

I accepted the friend request from Ted with some curiosity, and we started talking. He told me about what he'd been doing all the years we'd been out of touch, and I did the same with him. The conversation was warming up, and after about two weeks, he started flirting with me. 

This surprised me as I'd always supposed him to be the sort of man who'd balk at any sort of romantic connection with a trans woman. He explained to me that he'd involved himself in the transgender community when he lived in Florida, acting as a mentor for several trans men and dating a few trans women during that time. 

My Sapphic inclinations meant that I thought nothing was likely to come of the flirtation, though I was disposed to like and trust him due to our prior history (whereas I generally don't trust most men much). So, when he said he found me appealing and would enjoy intimacy with me, I believed him. 

Over the next couple of months we continued talking, reminiscing about old friends and shared history in New Orleans. I learned how similarly we saw the world, socially, philosophically, and spiritually; and I came to have a deep appreciation for his spirit and intellect, despite his self professed limitations and lack of formal education. 

Through it all he was also courting me, sending me sweet quotes, photos, and links to songs, telling me how much I delighted and excited him, congratulating me on my intelligence and insights in my responses and comments, and complimenting me on my appearance in photos I shared and on my expression of femininity. 

I fell for him, hard. 

More to come, stay tuned...

I've never discussed Teddy on this blog, and with where I want to go beyond my current published posts, I feel like I need to talk about him.