Dysphoria - Pt. 3 (Body Image and clothing sizes)

While I'm fairly satisfied with how my body looks overall (making allowances for age and 45+ years of testosterone poisoning), there are some areas that still occasionally leave me feeling wistful. 

I've been "heavy" all my life. Never morbidly obese, but surely my BMI is beyond what's considered "normal" for my height and build. I have a belly that has been pretty consistent throughout my adult life. It "rides" high on me in comparison with how cis women tend to carry belly fat, though I've seen any number of cis women with similar bellies. I've come mostly to terms with it on myself. 

I've had significant breast growth since starting HRT and I'm overall pretty pleased with my breasts, I think they're very pretty and well shaped with nice nipples. I'd just like them to have more volume to more closely match the ideal silhouette I crave. 

I think my breasts are still growing, albeit slowly, from the HRT alone (a fact that delights me to no end). They remain mildly tender and the nipples sometimes itch, which I tell myself is indicative of ongoing growth.

I've pondered Brest Augmentation (BA), but am on the fence about the expense, risks, and challenges of even such a relatively minor surgery. I also have huge aesthetic concerns over ending up with the sort of hard "bullets" or phony looking "balloons" a lot of BA surgeries seem to result in. I want my breasts to be soft and pillowy and inviting.

Elsewhere, I'd very much like to have more "padding" in my hips and derriere to balance out the breasts and belly. As I mentioned above, I'd like it if my belly rode a bit lower as is more common with women (or, at least, the women I find attractive). 

I encounter women in public sometimes whose physiques are very similar to mine (perhaps not as broad shouldered); they seem to be naturally identified as women, what is it about me that "clocks" me? It seems to happen less frequently now, I attribute some of that to improvements in my wardrobe and feminizing my posture and movements. 

Having gone through a more or less "normal" male adolescence, I was left with a number persistent  (and intractable) aftereffects that confound some of my efforts to appear feminine. Namely chest and shoulders  that are overly broad and hands and feet that are overly large for a woman of my height. My head is also somewhat large in proportion to my body, though that may have a different origin.

I've been able to somewhat ameliorate the broadness of my chest and shoulders by consciously changing my posture to keep my shoulders down and back. This has the added benefit of making my bosom appear larger. 

It appears to me to be a more feminine stance. I've noticed that some trans women tend to walk somewhat hunched forward (which is a more masculine stance)

I've seen advice for trans women suggesting that they cover the arms and shoulders with certain garments intended to minimize their apparent size, but I like showing off my arms and shoulders. With my posture changes, I feel very satisfied with how my arms and shoulders look. 

My hands are large, but not outlandishly so for a woman, and my fingers are reasonably long and slender. Having my nails nicely done helps to give them an elegant and feminine appearance. 

My feet are a different matter. I had large feet for my height even for a guy and often had difficultly finding my exact size, US 11-1/2 EEE, I frequently had to resort to buying men's US size 12 and even struggled with that if they weren't wide. 

The rule of thumb to convert US men's sizes to US women's is to add two sizes. And, sadly US Women's size 13-1/2 Wide are scarce as hen's teeth; and what is available is often only athletic shoes or flip flop type things. Vanishingly few of the really cute women's styles come in anything over an 11. I've occasionally resorted to buying 14s when those were available. 

I've managed to track down a handful of heels and platforms that fit (mostly) and that I actually like, nonetheless I still struggle with anything beyond a 1-2" or so heel. That's mostly a matter of practice I think. 

My head is also large and I had similar challenges to my feet in finding men's hats that fit well (I take a 7-7/8 or 8 in a hat band). I so want to be a hat chick, but most commercially available hats nowadays are of the "One Size Fits Most" sizing, I'm distinctly not "most" 😕

I've tracked down a few men's styles in my size in flamboyant colors that I like, including a navy bowler hat (I feel like Sally Bowles when I wear it) and something like an early top hat or pilgrim hat in maroon. I also had a broad brim hat custom made by a local milliner, which I adore. I plan to get something else from her, maybe a cloche.